Hello gamers,

If you're reading this on Gumroad, you might not know that I am doing monthly cheese reviews. I got so annoyed at not being able to find cheese I literally just bought a subscription to get cheese. In addition, I want to write that cheese off on my taxes, because I am a true American, and to facilitate that I am reviewing the cheese I get.

If you're reading this on Locals, you might be surprised to see "Gumroad" mentioned. Stripe, less than 24 hours after telling me to go fuck myself and that they'd never reinstate my accounts and that their decision is final and that Trump's Executive Order doesn't even apply to them because they don't even consider themselves a financial service (literally), then emailed me the next morning letting me know that Kick and Gumroad are reinstated. Fascinating! We'll talk more about that on Friday. First, cheese.

I was more than a little disappointed last month but right now I am enthralled in the throws of Positive Pollydom and so I wanted to clear my head, enjoy my cheese maximally, and spent even more time doing my photos of the cheese. Everything I show you for these posts is something taken with my camera and assembled just for the Locals/Gumroad. Yes, really. It's relaxing - don't judge. I'm also stoked for Fall.

Cabot Clouthbound Cheddar

Let's get the cheddar out of the way. The day would come where I'd get cheddar with this subscription and despite the memes I do not hate cheddar. My complaint has always been that cheddar is ubiquitous in American supermarkets, and I believe a lot of Americans mistake the abundance and different types of cheddar (especially blended cheddar which is just cheap cheese and jalepenos or some stupid bullshit) as having "a lot of cheese." I disagree.

However this is real cheddar and it's from a small farm in Vermont. As it turns out, a lot of cheese comes from Vermont despite being such a small state. Good for them. It's aged 9~13 months.

This is a good cheese and it's complex. The inner flesh is very earthy, the card describes it as 'brothy' which I might think means that "cheddar flavor" that's really hard to describe. It's true, the cheddar flavor is strong, and it does crave being paired with burger. Hot beef fat melting this cheese would be awesome.

However, the wheel is also wrapped in a cloth (hence the name) and the outer edge of the cheese is like a completely different flavor. It's very smooth, like pure cream, and it's interesting how complex it is as a consequence of this gradient. It's actually a really nice eating experience.

Will put on burger.

L'Amuse Gouda

You may be confused looking at the pictures but the gouda is the really bright orange one. That's not the cheddar. Gouda doesn't usually look that color but this one is aged 2 years, an absurd length for Gouda. It's out of the Netherlands.

It has that crunchy texture from the protein crystals but it's not the crunchiest I've ever had, it's still quite smooth. What's really hard to describe is that it tastes like alcohol on the back of the tongue. I was completely dumbfounded by how it tasted and I swear to god it reminds me of Johnny Walker Blue Label. The card says it is "hazelnut and deep caramel" in its notes, and I think that "deep caramel" is also something they use to describe certain fancy liquors. It's actually really good and makes me want a glass of alcohol to go with it. The card calls for Bordeaux or a Double IPA but that's bullshit, it needs hard liquor that was aged in a barrel. I guess you can't write that on the fancy card though.

I don't know what to pair this with. I might just eat it on crackers. When you're an adult, you can eat cheese and drink liquor. Nobody can stop you.

Gruyere 1655

Probably my least favorite just because it had strong competition. It's not bad it's just the weakest of the three. I'd have preferred either a blue cheese or soft cheese just to spice it up.

14 months out of Switzerland. The card says this is like an artisan cheese monger who makes 20 wheels a day every day including Christmas. The cows, of course, are the happiest and most neutral of all the cows, grazing on idealic mountainsides, maintaining a friendly-yet-considerate distance from the German cows so as not to provoke them.

I had to look up what you put a Gruyere in because it has a strange flavor that's on the higher side of medium in terms of intensity. The Internet says French Onion Soup. I am considering making French Onion Soup with it.

I can't talk about French Onion Soup without thinking of a Napoleonic-era military song where the French army sings about French Onion Soup because apparently the word Onion and Austria are very similar in their language.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3BHyOhVXmE

The crackers that came with it were pumpkin seed flavored Potter's Crackers from Wisconsin and the jelly was "Pure Cider Jelly" from Vermont. Both are literally amazing and they pair all three cheeses fantasticly.

As I munched my crackers, jelly, and cheeses, it dawned on me why skinny rich people are so obsessed with high quality foods. When I think about food now, it is always in the context of how much I can eat each day without losing my diet. There is quite literally no worse feeling in the entire world than saving 1000 calories out of 1600 to have Taco Bell for dinner and then having dry rice and beef and mushy beans. On a bad day it can stoke the fires of depression so hot it may bring you to tears. You look forward to dinner all day and then it is this soul crushing goy slop.

When you're fat, no such depression exists. You can simply eat your shitty Taco Bell and then try your luck at Burger King instead. I always wondered why Amberlynn weighed 600 pounds but ate literally nothing but plain white rice, and now I know. There is no impetus for her to eat anything good because she can eat as much as she wants. You'd not think it work that way, but it do.

Anyways. It was good cheese. Maybe I should get into wine, too. That might have to wait for Trump to enslave the payment processors first so I can afford it. I'll need a country club to share my wine and cheese with and I can't afford that.

Have a great day.

Thank you for your support.